Have you been caught in a similar or difficult situation that you find hard to ask for help or demand what you want or to say NO to requests and demands?

Do you feel helpless and being victimized when others are gaining pleasure from frustrating your well-being? Do you see yourself to be powerless in the hierarchy of the workplace or being caught in a partnership situation and fear your assertive ways could lead to more conflicts and negative working relationships?

Here is how you can express yours feeling/emotion assertively to get situations under control

1. Overcome fear and increase self-esteem to express your feeling in an assertive way.

Understand you have the right in your position to speak assertively to correct the situation to fulfill the roles and functions of yours. It is about stating clearly what you expect and insist that your rights are considered. Speak up to let others understand your feelings, needs and reasons of asking for help to complete jobs, or rejecting unacceptable demands on you. Be mindful to communicate in a respectful way and understand that others have their rights and needs when you set boundaries and requests for job to be completed within a specific time.

2. Express yourself with clear, assertive requests with respect for others.  Don’t use inflammatory works when asking others for help, example “You are FREE in the office and do NOTHING most of the time anyway, why not you manage this project? Say, “You are available tomorrow afternoon, and I will need you to manage this project.”

3.  Actively listen and communicate assertively when dealing with negative behaviours. Assertive behavioural responses include the use of a firm tone, positive phrases, postures, facial expression to communicate in a constructive way to collaborate for productive outcomes. Listen to the others’ explanation; manage your emotions and thoughts, and respond to others with a respectful attitude, tone and posture. 

My job was delayed to an unacceptable timeframe. The person who managed my job reacted with defensiveness and complaints on why the job has been delayed many times. I responded with empathetic assertion with phrases like “I understand that you’re overwhelmed with volume of tasks, pressed to work longer hours to manage your projects; however, the deadline is very important to me and I appreciate you doing it.” When pursuing on the matter, I said repeatedly, "I know you're busy at the moment, John, and you have difficulty to commit on the deadline, however, I need to make a request of you and need you to set an estimated schedule to work on."

4. Be factual, specific and accurately to describe the situation and its effect on you. It is about asking people to change their behaviour to improve the situation. The end result is to accomplish goals and not to build resentment towards others. Describe what others have done that upset you, rather than use labels or impose judgement towards the person.

In my case, I like to see the person become more responsive to get my job requests done within a reasonable timeline. I say something like “We were supposed to have the job completed within 3 days, and a week has passed” [describe situation) “When a job is delayed, we miss the deadline. I feel frustrated that we now have less time for other projects and have to stay overtime for a week to get this project completed.” (express your feelings and thoughts on the effect)

Don’t label with phrases such as “You should stop your behaviours! You are always behind time in your commitment, in whatever you do, and make others work overtime because of your fault and bad working attitudes”

5. Focus on finding a solution and find out where the other people stands/needs/wants etc to make progress on changes or see changes made. 

In my case, I asked to understand why the person keeps delaying the job requests. For example: “What challenges do you faced to make that change?” or “What concerns you have on making the change?” When I make suggestions/options to progress to next stage, I will ask for opinions like “What would you prefer to do?”

6.   Give praise and compliments to outcomes of suggestions and changes.

When practicing assertiveness, recognize that others have rights to refuse and choose not to be involved. Be aware of becoming over-assertive and overly concerned with your rights and less on the others.

Develop your assertive behaviours through daily practises.  Start with simple tasks such as making requests, asking for favours, and refusing unreasonable requests. With assertiveness, you will increase self-esteem, build your confidence and feel good about yourself.